I thought about a conversation my dead partner and I had, and it pissed me the hell off.

What made matters worse was it being unresolved. Around 2:00 a.m., we decided to peacefully shelve it and speak about it tomorrow.

“Tomorrow” came, but he died later that day without us discussing it.

In the aftermath of someone’s passing, we often idealize them. We focus on their achievements and best qualities, conveniently leaving the less desirable aspects behind. However, sometimes, when you’re cleaning up their stuff—physically and metaphorically—the skeletons in the closet come out and haunt you.

Why Anger in Grief Exists

You are reminded of the worst moments: the irritations and the things you can’t resolve now. It forces you to question everything. Some people stumble upon long-held secrets; others piece together truths and uncover lies.

We get angry at them for not taking better care of themselves, neglecting their health, struggling with addiction, or not prioritizing us, our children, the financials, or whatever else we wish they “should’ve” done. Regardless of their efforts, or lack thereof, and regardless of what’s fair or not, widows and widowers sometimes find themselves frustrated with their departed soulmates.

When they die, so do their reasonings, and we are left with questions only they could have answered. The conversations about what happened, what went wrong, why they never told us certain things, and why they made specific choices vanish with them.

It makes the grieving process more challenging. All this anger, hurt, and confusion makes it hard to get to the grief. It becomes part of our pain.

Anger makes it hard to get to the grief, and it becomes blended in with our pain.

Is It Normal to Be Angry with the Dead?

The truth is, Friend, it’s okay for you to be angry at your dead soulmate. It’s okay—and very normal, might I add—to feel hurt by their actions or inactions. You get to grieve and feel that, too. For many widows and widowers, this is a hidden part of grief.

It also stirs up internal conflict. One part of us wants to share it with others. Another part feels shameful or believes if others view them differently, their perception of our person (and us) will change. This adds to the complexity of loss.

As someone who gets it, you might never fully grasp what remains in question. There might always be holes in what cannot be pieced together. While this serves as a frustrating part of grief, it also speaks to the uniqueness of your journey and the intricate connection you shared.

I remind myself that my soulmates were human. They made mistakes. They carried burdens and struggles, too. Sadly, we sometimes hurt the people we love. Sometimes, the choices we make seem right but fail miserably. It doesn’t make them unworthy to grieve. It doesn’t excuse the pain you carry. It also doesn’t mean what the two of you shared wasn’t real and without love.

Maybe, Friend, we paint the dead as perfect because remembering them otherwise is too great a burden.

Just know that I get it, and it’s understandable if you’re struggling with it all.

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